Doubt

While walking around the compound taking pictures, I was wanting to meet some local Haitian people. Some people were intrigued and happy to see our team, but others did not seem interested in us at all. I guess I wasn't really sure what to expect. I was told stories about how the Haitians were dancing and singing, surrounding the team, shaking their hands when they arrived. I didn't think that we necessarily needed that kind of welcome, but I guess that was the scenario I had in my head upon our arrival. Don't get me wrong, everyone that I had come in contact with so far was very nice and welcoming.

As I was walking around the compound I saw many school children around (they all had matching uniforms). I noticed that some of the children were laughing and I was under the impression that they were laughing at me. I instantly began feeling insecure, especially because I had no clue what they were saying! At this point I was completely aware of the language barrier.
I sat down on a step feeling defeated, and we hadn't even started working yet! All of a sudden this little Haitian girl approached me. Without saying a word, she bent down and kissed me on my sweaty cheek. I was in awe of her genuine and sweet action. I felt like she was an angel sent from above to say "It's okay, you are supposed to be here. Don't worry". I think it is so cool to see God work! He knew exactly what I needed at that moment to help ease my insecurities. Thank you God!

Before I knew it, it was time for our team meeting to discuss the plans. Dr. Billy took the lead and began talking about the clinic and was assigning our positions. Dr. Mandy would be in the Pediatric clinic and nurse Cynthia would assist her. Dr. Dave would be in the Dental clinic and nurse Laura volunteered to assist him. Dr. Ed, Frederic, and Brian would be in the Veterinarian clinic. Leslie would be in charge of registration or the "front desk". Brewster would take pictures of each patient as they were checking in. Dr. Billy would be in charge of "the lab" and nurse Julie would assist. Dr. Matt, Dr. Chris, and I would be in the Adult Medical clinic.

Just so you know, before we even left for this trip, I never really knew what I would be doing. I was never told ahead of time which clinic I would be in or what my job title was. Yet again, I had no clue what to expect, but I was willing to do whatever needed to be done. Before we left for Haiti, I was told many times that there would always be a job that needed to be done and that I was capable of doing anything. I never doubted anyone and never really gave it much thought until this moment. I was scared to death!

Dr. Billy said that I would be working side by side with Dr. Matt and Dr. Chris. That meant having my own station. What, my own station??? Yes Carrie, your own station. I was told that I would be treating/diagnosing patients!! Now remember, I am a nurse. A very new nurse at that! How can I do what real doctors do? I was extremely nervous and completely insecure in my knowledge and ability to care for these people as everyone thought I could. I had no clue what to do or say.

I couldn't believe that everyone on the team was acting so calm like, "yeah, Carrie will have her own station, cool" while I was totally freaking out on the inside! Apparently, everyone else knew much more than I did, or at least they had faith in me that I would do a good job. I felt completely different. I thought that I was not going to be any help at all and that I would be in the way. I quickly realized that the devil was putting these thoughts into my head, and the bad thing was was that I was listening to them!

Our meeting was adjourned. I felt totally alone and defeated at this point, thinking that I could not live up to everyones expectations of me for this trip. I found Laura sitting on the porch. I went over to her and explained how I felt. All of my doubts, fears, insecurities all came pouring out. She listened intently and then began to ease my fears. She told me that I was more than adequate to be on this trip and that no matter what came my way I would succeed at it. Mandy soon found us and joined in on the conversation. Between Mandy, Laura, and prayer, all of my fears disappeared! Praise God!

I have never felt like that before. It was very comforting to know that I had friends to rely on and to lift me up when I was feeling down. Thank you Lord for my wonderful christian friends!

"Cast all anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything , by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:6-7

Coming up next....Hope!